Confessions of a fuck girl. Part 2

Navy Boy

Now Navy boy was the last “good guy” that I had dated.
But I’ll be damned if he is truly the last one.
Once again, he started off sweet.
My high school sweetheart.
The boy that was always there my last few years of high school.
He was a nerd.
A skinny boy with all the right grades
but all the wrong moves.
Sometimes I blame myself for what he became.

Navy boy came into my life when Band boy was still using me as his
fuck girl.
Navy boy is one of the many whose heart I broke while with Band boy.
I didn’t mean to hurt him.
That was never my plan.
It always just happened.

We dated.
Broke up.
Dated again.
Broke up again.
The cycle just continued on for 3 long years.

Durring the summer after my senior year, we started talking again.
He was in basic training for the Navy, which had always been his dream.
He always wanted to join the Navy in order to make his life better
and while doing that, my life was also going to be better.
His life.
My life.
Our life.

And all of a sudden, it happened again.
We started falling.
We started planing.
We started daiting.
The cyle started again.
But this time I swore to break the later part of the fucked up cycle.
We were going to work.
The “us” that we always talked about was going to happen.
I was dead set on this.

The plan was that once he got back from training, he was going to be home for a month before he got shipped off to Japan.
We were going to spend that time precious time together.
I was going to be the perfect little navy girlfriend and write him letters and wait for him to get home so we could start
our life together.
Things were going perfect.
We talked everyday.
Fell more in love everyday.
Becoming more and more the perfect couple each and every day.
Until one day I realized something.

My perfect little Navy Boy was ashamed of me.
He did not come out and tell me this but
I knew.
He had friends that he talked to religiously.
Friends that I knew.
Freinds that I was friends with.
Friends he told everything to.
Everything but the fact that we were together again.
His family also knew nothing about us.

In my eyes, if you love someone you should’t want to
hide
that so called love.
You would want to
shout that love out to the world. Never
hide.

For the first few weeks this did not bother me.
I told myself that when he came back we were going to tell everybody.
I told myself that even though deep down I knew the truth.
He told me that when he came back we were going to go out to eat,
he was going to take me shopping, we were going to do anything and get anything in the world I wanted.
The day he got back, he did not see me.
The day after that, all we did was have sex.

He told me he loved me.
He bought me a ring.
He showed me he loved me but he didn’t prove it.

You can’t buy love.
You can’t fake love.
You can’t mistake love for lust.
You can not subsutitue love for sex.
That is what he did.

So I confronted him.
I told him that he was ashamed of me.
I told him that people needed to know about us.
I told him that I was leaving.
I told him that I was not going to be a secrect girlfriend.
I told him that I was better than that.
I told him that once he told people, then I would come back to him.

I told him to go fuck himself when he started dating that other girl.
I told him that he was a lair when he said that she was the “love of his life.”
I told him to go to hell.

Navy boy fucked the fuck girl over.
Weed Boy

Every fuck girl has had a Weed Boy in her life.
Her first boyfriend.
Her first kiss.
The first boy to tell her that they love her.
The first boy that swore up and down that they were going to get married.
The first boy to she loved.
The first boy who broke her heart.

I met Weed Boy in 8th grade.
We met through mutual friends.
His parents were divorced and he lived with his mom, in the town I lived in, on the weekends
and his dad durring the week.
Since we were only 13 and could not drive, we never really saw eachother.
We dated for a little bit and then broke up before 8th grade year was over.
We didn’t talk anymore and I thought that was the end of it.

Freshman year rolled around and for some reason, Weed Boy came back in my life.
(Have you noticed that all of these boys come back into my life at one point?)
So we started talking again.
Late night phone conversations.
Hours and hours of talking.
Going to school on 3 hours of sleep.
I thought he was worth it.
I thought that we could work out.
I thought we were older and wiser.
I thought wrong.

Once again, we broke up.
Once again, we stopped talking.

Once again, he came back into my life.
But low and behold, he came back into my life when
Band Boy owned it.

He came back into my life
the month after Band Boy took my virgnity.
He came back into my life too soon.

Around that time I was also doing winterguard.
We had a competiton almost every weekend.
One night while driving home from a competition, I decided to call Drug Boy.
He had just gotten his liscense and his mom had left him home alone with
the car so he wanted to come pick me up.
Around midnight I got home, got decent and snuck out.
The drive to his house was quite awkward since it has been about 2 years
since we last saw eachother.

We arrived to his house.
We went to his room.
We layed on the bed.
We started talking about life and how many things have changed.
Drug Boy knew that my weakness is being tickled.
So of course, he started to do just that.
Then he started to kiss me.
Then he called me his angel, which is what he called me when we were together.
Then he started to take off my clothes.
Then he said that I would always be his angel.
Then he said he loved me and always will.
Then he started to have sex with me.

When we were younger, we always planned to lose our virginitys together.
He lost his to me.
I already lost mine to Band Boy.
When we were done, it was starting to turn daylight.
He took me home and I crawled into my room from a window.

The next day he got a girlfriend.

Weed Boy had his first fuck with the fuck girl.
Weed Boy fucked over the fuck girl.

But does the Weed Boy story end there?
Oh of course not.

The next year, Weed Boy happened to show up in my life again.
This is when he started to get really into drugs.
Always high.
Always thinking about getting high.
Always talking about getting high.
Always wanting to be high.

We started talking again and since he was in town, he wanted to hang out.
I was babysitting at the time and I told him that he could come over if he wanted to.
The kids were asleep and I was allowed to have people over.

Weed boy brought weed, and we both smoked it outside.
Weed boy started talking about the past.
Weed boy once again said that I will always be his angel.
Weed boy started kissing me.
Weed boy started touching me.
Weed boy started fucking me.
Weed boy left.
He left me happy and wanting more.

A few weeks later he came over again.
We talked.
We kissed.
We touched.
We fucked.
Then we talked again.
I wanted more.
I wanted him.
I wanted us.
He didn’t.
He left.
He left for good.

Weed Boy fucked over the fuck girl once again.

 


Confessions of a fuck girl. Part 1

INTRO
There are many people in the world. Many of thousands of people. There is people you can trust and people you can’t. There are people who are capeable and worthy of your love and then there are the ones that are not. There are the good guys and the bad guys, and there was him. He was a mixture of all of those different kinds of people. One day I could trust him with my life and the next you would have to look at the sky and make sure it was really blue like he said it was. Somedays when I loved him I just knew that he appreciated my love and whole heartidly loved me back. But then there was those days where I questioned his motive of being with me.
When we first started “us” things were phonomeal. He wrote me poetry and bought me flowers and showed me off to his friends. Then he started using his love for words in a negative way. He bought drugs. He laughed at me with his friends.
But I stayed with him.
He cheated and lied and did more drugs.
But I stayed with him.
He made my life a living hell and made me lose contact with my closest friends.
But I stayed with him.

Then he left me.
He came back for sex of course, they always did.
I have always been the girl that the guys don’t want to date but they will gladly fuck her all the time.
That is all I was.
The fuck girl.
The fuck girl who though that if she gave the guys she loved what they wanted then they would eventually love her.

That doesn’t work out.
The fuck girl always gets fucked.

The moral of this story is just that.

The fuck girl always gets fucked.
BAND BOY (1)

The whole fuck girl thing started with the guy I lost my virginity to.
Band boy.
Now in the begining band boy was really nice.
(As you will later find out, they are always really nice in the begining.)
He sang to me and played my favorite song on the guitar.
He introduced me to his family.
He made me feel loved and me being just 15 at the time, made me feel special.
Now band boy was 17, turning 18 and I thought that he was the love of my life.
I was young and niave.
We dated for a little while then he broke up with me.
We didn’t talk while I was nursing my broken heart and he flirted with numerous groupie whores.
But for some reason me and band boy started talking again.
And my feelings for him became stronger.
And he told me he loved me
while we wern’t daiting.
He waid he wanted to be with me
while we wern’t daiting.
He took my virginity
while we wern’t daiting.
He talked to other girls
while we wern’t daiting.
I was not allowed to talk to other guys
while we wern’t daiting.
We hooked up and he lead me on for 9 months
while we wern’t daiting.

And also,
while we wern’t daiting
I dated a few guys.
These guys were honeslty really nice guys.
True guys.
Stupid guys.
See, these guys were stupid because they wanted me.
Band boy always had a way of coming back into my life and screwing it up while I was content.

I lived for his texts.
If he said he was going to come get me, I got ready.
If he told me that he wanted me, I broke up with whoever I was daiting.
If he said that he needed me, I felt like a horiable person for not being there for him.
If he said that he loved me, my heart told me that I loved him back.
Band boy had me wraped around his skinny little guitar playing fingers.

Band boy is the reason I feel like I will never be anything but the fuck girl.

My most vivid memory of band boy is a night a little bit after we had one of our biggest fights ever.
There was a Relay for Life walk at my high school that I was volunteering at and he showed up with his band mates.
The moment I saw him my anxiety started kicking in.
Every time I saw him I tried to act like I was having the time of my life.
Every time I saw him I had to lie to myself and say that I wanted nothing to do with him.
Every time I saw him all I wanted to do was cry.
And that is exaclty what I did.
I went into the parking lot, sat down on a curb and started crying.
I was too busy crying to notice this shadow come near me.
The next thing I knew, band boy was sitting down next to me talking and appoligizing.
The next thing I knew, I agreed to going to McDonalds with him and a few of his friends for a bit.
The next thing I knew, we were eating our food and talking and being civil.
The next thing I knew, we were back at the school and just him and I were in the back seat of his car.
He kissed me.
I kissed him back.
He kissed me harder.
I started to cry again.
I was mad at myself for letting this happen once again.
I was mad that he saw me crying.
I was mad that I was being weak.
He held me.
He told me that everything was going to be okay.
I cried even harder.
When I got done crying he softly kissed me.
He gave me very little time to feel better until he made me make him feel good.
And I did because I was a dumb little fuck girl.
Fuck girls get fucked, they don’t do the fucking.

 


Oh Florida please be still tonight;

Insomnia is an annoying thing. It really is.

Sleep is kinda overrated anyway.

So, I really don’t know what to say right now.

blah. I have skype and ooVoo now if anyone wants to talk to me there.

Elanahhr.

I have no life.

Or you can shoot me an email

elanahhr@aol.com

I need new people to talk to.

Now its time to go make some green tea, snuggle in my snuggie and watch as time keeps passing by.


Winter guard ruined my life;

So, my first two years of high school I did this thing called winter guard. Most of you probably do not know what that is. Its that thing with the flags. Yeahhhh.

Well anyway, I did that my freshman and sophomore year.

Here is a video from one of my very first shows. The theme was “Dead Poets society”.

We practiced all the time and had a show every weekend it seemed like.

And if you were wondering if I was good, well I was okay. I didn’t suck but I wasn’t the best either.

One of the good things about guard is that I met a few good friends. And while I don’t talk to any of them anymore execpt  for Lauren of course. But at the time, my teammates were my family. They were my sisters.

I remember one night in particular night when me and some of the girls were sitting outside at one of our competitions. Lauren started crying, then I started crying and then like 5 other girls started crying too. We were all crying about something different but at pretty much the same. Boys. Boys and how they were fucking with our hearts.

It was honestly one of my best moments of my guard career.

Sometimes I wish that I would have continued with guard but I know that I would’t be able to do it. Guard is full of girls and drama and I don’t like either.


“I hate him. I love him. I would never be with him again.”

Honestly I think that every girl has said that to herself one or more times in her life.

Sadly, I don’t think I have said it to myself enough.

And no, this is not going to be a “boys suck, woe is me” kinda post. This is just me stating the obvious. Stating the fact that more girls need to be able to say this and realize this before it is too late.

When it comes to being with others, significant others to be more exact, there are some things that have to be taken into perspective. But more so, if this is your multiple time trying to be with said person, you really need to think things through.

If the person you think you want, has done you wrong in the past then you have to listen to your brain rather than your heart.

Your heart tells you lies.

Your brain makes you realize these lies.

But yes, people can change. But no, not all the time.

For example, my trust for Ryan will never be fully there nor will Brandon’s trust for me.

And yes, it is nice to give people second chances, everyone deserves a second chance once in a while but when you are giving someone three, or four or seven chances, you need to reevaluate things.

There is a huge difference between giving someone chances and getting used.

“I hate him. I love him. I would never be with him again.”

For the most part, Ryan is a good person. He makes the shittiest decisions in this world. He broke my heart. He is NOT boyfriend material. At all.

I hate him. I love him. I would never in a million years be with him ever again.

I hate Dustin for being a dad. I love him for who he used to be. I would never try to be with him ever again.

See how easy that is for me to say? Do you know how long it took me to realize all of this?

Way longer than it should have.

We get blinded by what we think is love. We get blinded on what our other half makes us believe is real love. We get blinded on what we think love is and what we want it to be.

I want to be able to say

“I hate him. I love him. And I never want to be with anyone else besides him.”


“Something always brings me back to you”

                                           “It never takes too long.”

The first time I heard this song, I cried my eyes out. The first time I  heard this, I was at a winterguard competition and this is exactly how I felt.

It was my freshman year and it was around the time me and my first kiss Matt, were talking again.

I feel like the bad guys of my past always seem to show up at the wrong times. When I’m happy or when I am venerable or when I am dating someone. They always show up. It is like they have an “Things are going right in Elanas’ life right now, lets fuck it up” radar something.

“You touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.”

I don’t want to always be this girl. The one that leaves everything good in her life to go to the past once again. Knowing that I am going to hurt but surpassing my better judgement and going for it anyway.

And this song;

I also heard this at a guard show and yes, I also cried my eyes out when I heard it and to this day I still cry.

I always feel as if I can fix the relationship, that there is something I can do to make the guy want me again or that I can be a better person for them.

“And I whisper ‘why cant you love me? I’ll change for you'”.

I need to learn that if a guy doesn’t love me for me, then he does not deserve me.

At all.

And if he doesn’t want me now, for who I am and for whom I shall always be, then nothing is going to change.

Time does make things change, but not important things.

Not things like love.


“Were like fire and gasoline…”

I’m no good for you, you’re no good for  me.

This song is the story of my life.

I always seem to find a way to do this. I know that a guy is not good for me but for some reason I always end up in their bed.

I really hope that my past is never going to be my future again.

The past where I was a cold hearted bitch and played guys before they could play me.

I want something good.

And lately I find myself crying whenever I think about the past and how horribly I was treated.

To this day I still feel like guys really don’t give a damn about me. That no matter what I do, I am never good enough for them.

Well you know what?

Screw thinking.

LGFU.


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