Monthly Archives: March 2011

Meet me in the pouring rain;

Right now, it is pouring in central Florida.

The rain is coming down in buckets.

The thunder is extremely  loud.

I love it.

 

And, he is the only thing I can think about.

Last night was good.

And honestly I can not be the only one who feels the spark that we have.

 

that song reminds me of him.

I just ugh I don’t know, I just can’t stop thinking about him.

I hope he thinks about me.

 

Advertisements

Blast from the past;

For some reason, I just can’t seem to get this kid off of my mind. If you have ever read the “Diary of an insomniac” posts then y0u read what I wrote about him. If not, then here you go.

He was all the things I wanted in a guy.  He was cute, in this own little way.  We was funny, and always had me laughing.  He was easy to talk to.  When he played the guitar, my heart melted.  When he looked at me, my heart melted.  He loved his family and friends.  He valued his morals.  He was surprised that I liked him.  It took me a while to realize I liked him.  I tried to get him.  But to him, I was sin.  I wasn’t good enough for him.  We wanted me, and that scared him.  But I never would have been the kind of girl to make him stray.  This was one of the first times that my past   prevented me from having a future.  I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.  It hurt.  Bad.

The other day I sent him a friend request on facebook. I really did not think that he would approve it. But, to my surprise, he did.

I want to talk to him. I want to get to know him again. I want to see if we still have that spark we did in guitar class.

I want him to get to know the new me and vice versa.

I want us to have a shot.

I want him to see that I could be good for him.

I want him.

 


Dirt sucks cock.

I went to a mud hole last night.

And just a little side note, I am not a redneck.

At all.

I have never been to a mud hole before in my life and I doubt that I will ever go back.

 

You can not begin to understand how dirty I got.

It was gross.

 

But anyway, when we got there, it was me and my friend Lauren and our friends Charles and Daniel.

And the thing about me and Lauren and Daniel, well, we aren’t exactly the type of people rednecks hang out with.

Charles kinda can go with anyone.

So the start of the night was pretty segregated.

Blah, so basically all we did was drink beer and hang around this huge fire.

Then after a while we had to take Daniel home.

And on the way back to the mud hole, we stopped at a gas station to get

more cigarettes and some drinks.

Me and Lauren wen’t to the bathroom.

Oh shit.

We were both covered in dirt and soot.

That bathroom was super messy after we left.

Oh, and Charles bought us cookies 🙂

 

And so we went back and you could tell that things died down.

Me and Lauren were sharing a beer, and the token black kid gestured to the beer like he wanted some.

So me being nice, I handed it to him and he threw it into the fucking fire.

I was not very happy.

So blah blah blah, boring things happened and then we went h0me.

It literally took us an hour and a half to get clean.

 

 

So, the moral of this story is that dirt is the devil and I am never going to a mud hole again.


Random post about my fears

Achluophobia- Fear of darkness. I am terrified of the dark. I always sleep with a night light. The dark is just so full of nothingness and everything all at the same time. You never know who or what is in the darkness. I just don’t like it.

Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders. I would like to think that is very self explanatory. Spiders are effin scary.

Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns. Clowns are scary. I don’t care what you think. The ones that are always happy scare me the most. The happy clowns are always the crazy killers in the movies. I hate clowns with a dirty passion.

Hobophobia- Fear of bums or beggars. I have this fear because of Downtown Orlando.

Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish. I hate the way they look at me.

Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis. If my penis was erect, I would flip shit.

Katsaridaphobia- Fear of cockroaches. That is the only reason men walk this planet, to kill the bugs.

Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection. Now that would just be embarrassing.

Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals. Hospitals just remind me of death.

Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.

Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs. FROGS ARE GROSS.

Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. Uhm, they can KILL you.

Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.

Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion.

Dragoferosus-Fear of dragonflies.

Annndddd, I am afraid of elevators but this world is too dumb to think of a name so I like to call it elanaisapussyphobia.




Sometimes

First of all,this is going to be a short post, just thought I would let you know.

I just need to get some stuff off of my chest.

Sometimes I let my temper get the best of me.

Sometimes I love the way I look.

Somtimes I hate everything about me.

Sometimes I just really need to smoke.

Sometimes I get lonely.

Sometimes I think about the past.

Sometimes I dream about the future.

Sometimes I am nice and buy people shit.

Sometimes I let my pride get the best of me.

Sometimes I just want to have sex.

Sometimes I think I am not good enough.

Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have a lot of friends.

Sometimes I am glad that people hate me.

Sometimes I wish everything went my way.

Sometimes I wish I had my own reality show.

Sometimes I wish I had someone to cuddle in bed with.

Sometimes I wish that girl that all the guys wanted.

Sometimes I wish I was famous.

Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes.


Dear future,

Dear future,

Hey. So, my name is Elana Raquel Engelhardt. My last name means “angel hearted” in German but you will soon learn that it is not true all the time.

We will get in fights. I will say mean things to you and then kiss the pain away.

Sometimes I will forget or just not care that you have feelings because you have hurt mine.

That is just the kind of person I am. If you hurt me, I will find any possible way to hurt you more than you hurt me. But please do not hate me for it. I swear I do not mean a thing of what I say. I love you and I will find a way to make it better.

You do not have to have a lot of money for me to love you. My dad always told me to never depend on a guy for money. Money does not mean love. We can be in a shitty apartment eating ramen for a week and I will still be madly in love with you.

I want you to know that I am going to do everything in my power to make you happy. But, I won’t change for you. I love you but I have to love myself more.

I hope that you love kids as much as I do and will hold me while we watch a scary movie.

I hope that you will be okay with the fact that I want to get a puppy and a kitten and name them Milo and Otis.

I hope that you are as weird as I am.

I hope that you understand that I am not a coffee gal, green tea is for me.

I hope that I am one of the most important things in your life. Notice I did not say the most important thing. I just want to be up high on the list. In the past it always seemed as if I was second best. I don’t want that to be that way with us. And I doubt that it will be, I just want to make sure.

I hope that you will be okay with the fact that I rearrange my shit all the time.

I hope that you are okay with the fact that I have the mouth of a sailor. I have a filter, I swear I do.

But most importantly, I hope you love me as much as I love you.


Dear past,

Dear past,

Hey, it’s Elana. Not the Elana you remember though. A stronger, smarter, better Elana. The Elana that you helped to create.

All those tears you made me cry, well they taught me how to not be so naive.

All those harsh words you said to me just made my skin thicker.

All those times you cheated on me made me love my self more.

All those good memories that I have of you seem to outshine all of the bad ones.  Except with you Ryan. I hate you. My family hates you. My friends hate you. My cat hates you. The cops hate you. And I hope you hate yourself. Anyway..

All of times I wish I could relive over and over again, I do. In my dreams.

All of the words that I was too scared or too proud to tell you then, I’m telling you now.

Eric, I know I was young, and that our love was made up but I will always be glad that you were the one who took my virginity. There is always that one girl that talk to that hates the person who took theirs and I am just glad that I will never have that feeling. I know we had a rough patch but that was three years ago. We have both grown so much over these past three years. Thank you. That is all I want to say. Thank you.

Dustin, be a good dad. And be a good husband. Have a good life. Don’t be a man whore. Don’t be a “Dustin”.

Ryan, seriously, fuck you. I gave you so many chances. I almost ruined my life to be with you. I was the best thing that has ever happened to you and everyone knew it. You threw it all away. Do not ever try to come back to me. Do not ever show up at my door. You are not welcome in my life at all.

And Brandon. You hate me. I miss you. So much. I knew that we never should have dated. I knew it. Our friendship was way too good to put on the line like that. You were my best friend more than you were my boyfriend. But you never had time for me and that really hurt my soul. I just wanted to be with you. But you always had somewhere better to be.

And to all the other guys of my past, thanks, and suck it, and I hate you, and I love you, and I miss you and I hope you miss me.