Diary of an insomniac. Part 2

2:05 Hi.  You might not remember me.  My name is Elana.  You called me your pretty girl.  I was head over heals for you.  You sang to me.  Helped me sleep. Gave me confidence.  Said you needed me.  Said you would trade your Georgia skies for my eyes.  You joined the army.  Bye.

2:08 I love how my past is full of people who never think about me.  Hopefully my future will be full of people who can’t live without me.

2:10 Remember the day you met my mom?  It was the day you gave me the roses.  The roses with the note.  “Elana, I love you . You need to marry me and be mine forever.”  The note that I ripped up.  The roses I left to die.  Just like what you let happen to our love.  “Love.”

2:21 A good night, before you were put in it.  A situation I never should have put myself in.  “Shh, it’s okay.”  ” I missed you so much.”  “You will always be my angel.”  Two years since I saw you.  I hated myself.  I hated you.  You “loved” me.  I call bullshit.

3:05 I burnt that picture of you.   You were 11.  I burnt it.  It felt good.

3:07 Everything happens for a reason.  You have to deal with the rain if you want a rainbow.  You will find better.  He didn’t deserve you.   Cliche.  Cliche.  Cliche.  Cliche.

3:09 Love scares me.  I trust too easily.  I have never been in love.  Sometimes to me love is like the concept of god.  Unrealistic. A nice theory but, unrealistic.  Truth.  Truth.  Truth,  Truth.

3:14 Brandon, I still miss you.  There is a few guys who like me.  And who I like.  But, I’m scared.  I don’t want to move on and then have you want me again.  That’s not going to happen.  But it could.  Not.

4:02 I had a nightmare.  Zombies were trying to kill me.  They looked like me.  Sleep is bad.  Night

8:38 My stomach hurts.  I remember the day you rubbed my tummy.  And ran your fingers through my hair.  I felt better.  I hate you.

8:41 When I die, can someone please scatter my ashes around the world?  I don’t want to be stuck in the ground.  I don’t want worms to eat me up.

8:43 Right now around this time. I would be talking to Brandon.  If we were still together.  We would be laughing.  Telling jokes.  Talking about our day.  Planning our future.  Reminding each other how much we love the other.  Brandon, I love you.

9:16 I was 15. You were 17.  You always wanted me.  In your bed.  In the Wal-Mart parking lot.  In the Win-Dixie parking lot.  In the bowling alley parking lot.  In the senior parking lot.  But you never wanted me in the most important place of all.  Your heart.

9:36 When you think about your senior year,  my junior year,  I hope you think about math class.  The class you got switched into,  to be with me.  Then we broke up.  Then class was hell.  All of those weeks full of tension.  Tension you could cut with a knife.  Weeks that dragged on.  I hope you think of that note.  The note that I poured my heart and soul into.  The note that made us friends again.  The note that made me like going to math class.  When you think of your junior year,  my sophomore year,  I hope you think about our first kiss.  And the ring you have me.  The ring that I still wear to this day.

9:49 He was all the things I wanted in a guy.  He was cute, in this own little way.  We was funny, and always had me laughing.  He was easy to talk to.  When he played the guitar, my heart melted.  When he looked at me, my heart melted.  He loved his family and friends.  He valued his morals.  He was surprised that I liked him.  It took me a while to realize I liked him.  I tried to get him.  But to him, I was sin.  I wasn’t good enough for him.  We wanted me, and that scared him.  But I never would have been the kind of girl to make him stray.  This was one of the first times that my past   prevented me from having a future.  I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.  It hurt.  Bad.

10:19 Pork chop.  Tom bear.  Thomas Clark.  No matter what I called him. he was my best friend.  My Tom bear.  My pork chop.  My everything.  It’s funny to think about how we started.  Flirting. More than friends.  That’s how it was for 3 months.  From the second I woke up.  till the moment I passed out.  My day always ended with  “Sweet dreams poptart.”  I told him everything and vice versa.  My not so little marine boy.  My 20 year old virgin.  The boy who complained like a little girl on his 21st birthday.  The boy who hates the thought of marriage.  The boy who made a year of my life amazing.  The boy I like to call my Tom bear.

10:46 Only a hand full of guys have ever seen me cry.  The one who made me in the backseat of his car and tried to kiss the pain away.  And the guy who made me hate myself.  I cried in the corner of his room.  On the bed. Under the covers.  He didn’t give a damn.

11:16 I need a gay best friend.

11:42 Texas.  Everyone wants to know why I want to move to Texas.  Honestly, I have a gut feeling that it is the right place for me.  To live.  To grow.  To thrive.  I feel that I will be able to find more people like me there.  People who understand how my brain works.  My brain is a very strange place.  It’s full of random facts and thoughts and memories.  Oh, the memories.

11:48 There are some things that are easier to write then to say out loud.  When you speak, it makes things true.  I used to cut.  Everyone does it for their own reason.  In a nut shell, I did it for power.  I was always getting hurt.  Always feeling as if I was worthless.  When I cut myself, I had the power to hurt myself.  No one could hurt me the way I did.  I felt as if crying showed weakness.  I would not let myself be weak.  If anything was going to be proof that I was hurting, it would be blood.  Never tears.  And now, as I cry writing this,  I know that showing your emotions is not you being weak.  You are being strong.  That was a dark time in my life,   but I over came it.

11:57 There has been one person that has been a constant in my life for  7 years.  She is my best friend. One of the most beautiful person I have ever known.  She has always been here for me.  We watched each other grow up.  We have cried with each other.  Laughed.  Fought.  Everything.  I would be nothing without this girl.  We haven’t always had the best friendship but I know at the end of the day she is always  on my side.  She helped we through my first guy and she is going to be there for my last.  She was here for me when I didn’t want to live.  She is a strong person and I really hope she knows how much  I love her.

3-2-11

12:05 “You were born for leaving.”

12:07 I have always hated Apopka.  I have always wanted to get out of this hell hole.  I know that there is going to be  crappy people  in every town. I just want to leave these crappy people I have known almost  my whole life.

12:09 I have a lot of addictions.   Not meth, but something like it.  Green tea.  Quotes.   Post secrets.  Photography.  Green tea.  Acoustic songs.  Nature.  My cat.  Did I mention green tea?

12:10 ” We’re smiling but we’re close to tears.”

12:20 I just found an old phone of mine.  The background is a certain country boy.  I found a text from that boy.  ” Good morning…  Have you noticed how people just throw that phrase around assuming that they are right?       These days I find it hard not to last out at these seemingly harmless gestures of good will. You  see, my problem is I had to wake up to a morning without you. And if they only knew how that   felt, they wouldn’t dare to call it good.”  I got that on 08/21/2009.  As you can see, that is why I fell for that boy.  I named my cat after him.  Well, my cats middle name anyway.  Shadow Kalub Drew.  Yup.  My cat has a middle name.

12:27 “I love you”  10/28/2009  12:39  Great.  I just found another old phone.  “Mi amor” 08/31/10  “Were gonna get married.” 08/30/10  Silly Texas boy.  You are going to be a daddy.  I did love this kid though.   We just worked so well.   See kids, that is why you wear a condom.

12:49 The other day I was talking to Mr. Texas.  I told him how I want to visit.  He wants me to stay at his beach house with him.  He put a winky face.  What a great fiance.

1:16 I know that everything happens for a reason.  I do.  I get it.  But seriously, give me a fucking break.

1:21 “And its alright, yeah I’ll be fine, don’t worry about this heart of mine.”

1:37 Sometimes I wish I was a bird.  Not because I want to fly.  That’s what planes are for.  I just want to shit on you.

1:43 I realized that me having a cat  Is not the smartest idea in the world.  I have bad anxiety.  Every single day that cat makes me  Think that my house is getting broken into.

2:06 Sleep sounds so good right now.  Scary.  But good.

3:42 Done.  I’m done sleeping.  I’m done dreaming.  I’m done.

Night

11:10 I’m not going to wish for you.

11:47 Right now my mind is blank.  Dead.  Empty.  Barren.  Full of nothing.  Oxymoron.  Jumbo shrimp.

3-3-11

12:11 I just did the math.  I have had  20 first kisses.  20.  Great. I forgot someone.  Wait.  22 people.  You have got to be kidding me.  23 people.  24.  I talk to 5 of these people.

12:22 I remember my first kiss.  I hate my last.

12:27 25 people.  But honestly, a few of those shouldn’t count.  12:29  Like the person I just remembered.  26.

12:46 Some memories are really good.  Some memories I never want to forget.  Decorating the Christmas tree with you and your mom.  Putting your nieces toy car together with you.  Kissing you under the fireworks.

12:51 I’m always writing about a  “him” or  “you”.   All of these people have one thing in common.  The past.  My past.  These boys of  the past,   my past,  have all made me who I am today.  Thanks.  The past,   I thank you.

Night

7:49 “I have grown too strong to ever fall back into your arms.”

7:50 Apparently I don’t know anything.  When the subject of   us  came up, I had to remind you  that you are  engaged  and have a   baby  on the way.  “You don’t know anything.”  Fuck that.  I know everything I need to know.  I know that when I move,   it’s not going to be for you.

7:53 I know that in Tampa,  there is an ice cream shop.  An ice cream shot that lets  customers write on the walls.  I know that there is a heart there.  I know what the heart says.  Elana and Dustin.   I know I never should have made  that heart.

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About mylifeaselana

Words can not describe me. But I try to use them to explain me. View all posts by mylifeaselana

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