Diary of an insomniac. Part 3

7:56 I want you to know something.   You don’t need the alcohol.  You don’t need the drugs.  You don’t.  You are one of the greatest people I know.  You have a beautiful soul.  I want you to know that  he is watching over you.   I want you to know that  he loves you and misses you,  just like you love and miss him.  I want you to know that no matter what,  I am here for you.  I want you to know that I appreciate   everything you have done for me.  I just wanted you to know that.

9:25 I’m almost completely over you.

9:47 South park is the best show in the world.

10:27 I’ve had to deal with   a lot   of things in my 17 years of life.  I almost lost my dad to a   heart attack.  I stayed up with you  all night  because I didn’t want you to   kill yourself.  I took around 30 pills hoping that   I would die.   I had to lay there,   in a drugged up state  hating myself   for not being able to   kill myself.  I had to sit there and  watch you kiss her.   I had to deal with my dad leaving.  I had to realize that  I am loved.  I do have a purpose.  I am strong.

10:36 I’m not perfect.  I’ll be the first person to tell you that.  I’ve been called perfect.  By boys.  Boys who didn’t stick around.  I love not being perfect.   Perfect is boring and overrated.  Perfect does not exist.

10:39 I have an obsession.  With trees.  With love.  With fire.  With flowers.  With babies.  With rain.  With black and white pictures.  With sweaters.  With scarves.  With beautiful things.

10:41 “This is me swallowing my pride, standing in font of you, saying I’m sorry for that night.”

10:42 I would never want to go  back to December  ever again.

10:44 I’ve been analyzed.  I’ve been criticized.  I’ve done things that I’m not proud of.  I’ve had my heart broken.  I’ve broken hearts.  I’ve cried.  I’ve lied.  I’ve had one night stands.  I’ve dabbled in drugs.  I’ve sneaked out.  I’ve blacked out.  I’ve cursed your name.  I’ve played boys like it’s a game.  I’ve lived how I wanted to.  I’ve lived the only way I know how to.  I’ve lived my life for me, not you.

10:52 Honestly,  there has to be aliens.  We can not be the only  “intelligent” things in this universe.

10:54 Brandon, I just thought about you.

11:34 “Look for a girl with a broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while.”

11:35 I will be loved.

11:54 Yes,  I still think of you when  there is a thunder storm  and when I see the sun.  Yes, you do randomly pop into my head.  Yes, I can’t listen to ” Love like crazy”  without thinking of you.  Yes, I miss you.  Yes, I hate it.

10:14 Looks like I did it again. I said something that got you mad. I said your dead brother loves you and misses you. I know you. I know you more than anyone. I know you don’t like to talk about him. I freaking know this. But honestly, you can’ leave things bottled up inside of you. You need to talk about it. You need to let it go. I’m not saying forget about him. He’s your brother, He is always going to be in your heart. Guess what. He loves you. He misses you. Get over it. You can hate me for saying that but it needed to be said.

10:22 It’s weird to think that all of the people I know now are going to be married and have kidds one day. It’s just weird to me.


11:29 I hate to say this. I really do. But I think that  “the weekend we shall never speak of again.” happenend for a reason. For the best. It brought me and my family  closer. It brought me and my friends closer. It brought me and me closer.
11:32 It made Brandon so far away. Too far. Too much away.
11:33 I think we need moments in our life that make us realize how much we have going for us. Bad moments. Good moments. Sad moments. Happy moments. Moments are moments. Moments can change everything.

11:35 I have been laughing a lot more. I have been smiling a lot more too. And the great thing is, they are all real.
11:36 But, I still get my moments. the moments where I just Cry. Cry. Cry. The moments where all I can  think about is Brandon and how lonely I am.
11:37 Ryan, fuck you. All you did was put me through shit. I wish I never met you. Typical Apopka boy.
11:39 Brandon, I miss you. But not as much as I used to. Our anniversary would have been in  four days. I think about you a lot. I think about our dumb little inside jokes. I think about how we  planned our future. I think about how we would finish each others senctnces.  I think aobut how perfect we  were for eachother. I hope one day we can be friends again.

11:42 Zach, I’m sorry I mentioned him. But at the same time, I’m not. Just because he died does not meant that you have to kill yourself with all those poisons. I can not stress enought how much  he misses you and loves you. Please turn your life around. I don’t want to have to miss you because you dided before  your time was up.
11:46 Dustin, I don’t know what to say to you. At one point in time, you really did have my heart. Both of our lives have changed since that summer. You are going to be a great father. I’ve always know that. But please, take care of your fiance. I never thought I’d say that.  I will always have ill feelings towards her for obvious reasons, but treat her right. Don’t flirt with everything that  has a vagina. Her and your daughter should be the most important things in your life. And Lucky, you can’t forget Lucky. I’ll call you when I’m in  Bay City.
11:53 Kalub, I haave no idea where you are in life right now. I just hope you are doing great. I hope you are still clean. Shadow says hi.
11:55 Taylor swift is like the  soundtrack of my life.
11:55 “White horse” Eric. “Better than revenge.” Ryan. “Back to December.” Brandon. “Hey Stephen.” Steven. “Teardrops on my guitar.” Tim. “Dear John.” Eric. “Speak now.” Dustin. “Picture to burn.” Matt. “Our song.” Brandon. “Tim Mcgraw.” Kalub. “Never grow up.” Me. “Mean.” This whole fucking town.

11:58 I really wish it would rain. I need a big thunder storm to roll in. I need to be calm.


12:00 “You’re a lover, I’m a runner.”

12:01 I found out that I have “good skin for tattoos.” I’m white. Really white. If you didn’t know that I was half mexican, well then you would never know that I am half mexican.


About mylifeaselana

Words can not describe me. But I try to use them to explain me. View all posts by mylifeaselana

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