Diary of an insomniac. Part one.

2-28-11

2:02 Just made tea. Green tea.  My addiction, like the air I breath.  Floor.  The bed is too soft.  Too cold.  Too busy missing you.  Music.  Drowning out the heart breaking silence.

2:03 Thinking.  That day at the lake.  Me. Special old someone.  Isolated trail.  Holding hands. Making plans.  Laughing.  Crystal clear water.  Cloudless sky.  Face to face.   Lips to lips.  Fingers through hair.  Leaves falling. Birds flying.  Hearts beating.  Love growing.

2:07 “Hot and dangerous, if you’re one of us then roll with us.”  Summer. Party.  Low cut black shirt.  New faces. New places.  Hippie circle.  Beer pong table.  Random rocker guy.  Eye meets eye.  Sangria.  4loko. Talking. Slurring words.  Cops. Hitting trash cans.  “Elana Raquel Clements.”

2:10 “I don’t want to if you don’t want to.”  Awkward car ride.  Friendly hello.  Mother. Father. Bed.  Guitar.  Fingers laced.  Face traced.  Running late.  Movie. Darkness.  Hearts pounding.  Hands wandering.  Girls looking.  Jealousy.  Dinner.  Home. Kiss at doorway.  Flying.

2:14 “You’re amazing just the way you are.”  Wake up. Next to you.  Cuddle.  Kiss on cheek.  Falling asleep to your heartbeat.  Beat for me.  Awoken, rudely.  Clothes. Teeth. Hair.  Gone.  Meeting. Family. Friends.  Small talk.  Bonding. Cooking. Presents.  Helping. Cleaning.  Falling.  Sand castles.  Goodbyes.  Chilis.  Friends. Sleep.  You.  Repeat.  Cheat.  Never again.

2:18 “I’m weird cause I hate goodbyes.”  Me. Him.  5 years.  First kiss.  Sweaty palms.  First love.  Under the stars.  Laying in the road.  Never wanting to leave.

2:20 “Discover me, discovering you.”  Summer. Dream.  Muscles. Hair. Tan skin.  “Perfect.”  “Love.”  “Forever.”  Revenge.  Over and over and over.  Her. Over.

2:22 Railroad. Swings. Ditch.  Conversations.  Trying to protect you.  Harsh words.  Tears.  Apologies. So sorry.  Forgiveness.  Friendship.

2:24 “I gotta have you.”  Outside beds.  Perfection. Love.  Best friends.  Betrayal. Sorry.  I miss you so much.

2:26 Bed. Movie. Laughing.  Kissing.   Play fights. Dogs. Treats.  Kitchen counter.  Amazing because it is.

2:27 Reality check.  Green tea.

2:29 Future. Unknown. Texas.  Destiny.  Photography. Art. Travel. Flowers. Music.  Happiness.  Scared.  Ready.  Waiting.

2:31 Crawl into bed.  Hopefully sleep can find me.

3:14 Dreams.  Nightmares.  You. Me.  Us.  Angry faces. Cruel words.  “Whore.”  “Worthless.”  “Over.”  Awake.  Over.  Sleep is bad.  Sleep makes memories real.

4:00 The sheep are screaming your name.  I’m screaming your name.  Can you hear me?  Can you hear them?  They want me to be with you again.  They say this is just a bump in the road.  They say we can do this.  They say our love is true.  They say what I want you to say.  The sheep are talking.  I think I’m going crazy.

4:08 You are sleeping without a doubt.  Dreaming.  Not of me.  But of her.  Whoever she is.   There has to be a girl.  Luck, lucky girl.  You like her.  I hate her.  I want you.  She has you.  I love you.  You love her.

4:10 I’m over you.  I can finally move on.

4:16 I lied.  I need you. I’m sorry.  I do need you.   Forever, just like we said.

5:03 I need to remember that sleep is bad.

Night.

11:15 You are always and will always be my  wish at 11:11  I think about you.  Every second.  Every day.  But I can’t  I wont.  I must.  I need you.  I love you.

11:27 It’s sad knowing that the person you want does not want you back.

3-1-11

1:18 I just had a dream about you.  The weird one.  The one that I told you about.  You and I.  Holding hands.  “Babe, you look like a girl scout, are you  a girl scout?”  “No, I am not a girl scout.”  “Are you sure? You really look like one.”  “Brandon, I am not a girl scout, now shut up and eat your food.”

1:21 Brandon.  Brandon Cooke.  Brandon Michael Cooke.  The one who’s heart I regret hurting.  The one I miss.  The one I love.  The one I need.  The one I want.  The one.

1:23 The one I need to get over.

1:37 “I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear?”

1:46 I flashback to a different you.  A different him.  A different me.  A different time.  A different place.  A different face.  A different me.

1:47 Sitting on the ledge.  Living on the edge.  Looking at the water.  Looking at the stars.  Looking at your face.  That beautiful face.  Holding hands.  Intense kisses.  Intense feelings.  You telling jokes like they were going out of style.  Hungrily kissing your lips like I haven’t in a while.  Fast car.  Freedom.  A night worth remembering.

1:56 I remember a night I don’t remember.  We are over.  Shot.  I miss him.  Shot.  I love him.  Shot.  What is wrong with me?  Shot.  Am I not good enough?  Shot.  I…  Shot.  We…  Shot.  I need him.  Shot.  Shot.  Shot.  Blackout.

2:01 I don’t think I’ve ever cried more that I did the day you found out.  You are going to be a father.   A dad.  The father of her child.  We had all of our plans.  You had my heart.  She had a part of you.  Growing.  In her uterus.  A baby girl.  A 19 year old father.  A 19 year old engaged father.  With green eyes.  And a love for the beach.  A beautiful dog.  Lucky.  A fiance.  Lucky.

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About mylifeaselana

Words can not describe me. But I try to use them to explain me. View all posts by mylifeaselana

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