Monthly Archives: April 2011

“Were like fire and gasoline…”

I’m no good for you, you’re no good for  me.

This song is the story of my life.

I always seem to find a way to do this. I know that a guy is not good for me but for some reason I always end up in their bed.

I really hope that my past is never going to be my future again.

The past where I was a cold hearted bitch and played guys before they could play me.

I want something good.

And lately I find myself crying whenever I think about the past and how horribly I was treated.

To this day I still feel like guys really don’t give a damn about me. That no matter what I do, I am never good enough for them.

Well you know what?

Screw thinking.



Taylor Swift knows the story of my life;

I feel as every Taylor Swift song can go with my life somehow.

Yes, I know.

Typical teenage girl. Oh well.

This song reminds me of Ryan and how I felt after we broke up.

I really didn’t know how to be something he missed when he wasn’t mine anymore.

“So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breath.”

Yup. That line right there is how it was.

“So I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.”

I would sleep in his jacket every night, just soaking in the smell of him that I had grown to know and love.

And this song;

This makes me think of Dustin. I think that is pretty self explanatory.

For some reason this reminds me of a few guys.

James manney.



And baasssiiicaly every other guy who has done something with another girl while talking to me or being with me.

So obviously, that is way too much for me to mention.

And this song;

Well this song, always reminds me of Eric.

He was my first love and I was completely smitten.

I was 15 and he was 17.

“Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress cried the whole way home. I should have known.”

And honestly, I can’t listen to this next song anymore.

This reminds me of Brandon. Every single word.

He wont talk to me at all.

“Your guard is up and I know why.”

There is a lot more examples I can give you but, I’d rather not.


I feel as if this song makes this post complete.

That my words are not needed.

That you can just listen to the song, really listen to the song, and just feel so much better with things.


Life goes on.

It really does.

I have a heart, a nice beautiful unbroken heart.

My life is good.

My life went on and will still continue to go on.

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

From all my experience in the dating world I have learned one thing. Most guys don’t deserve me. And I honestly do not mean that in a cocky way at all. Most of the guys I meet try to change me in some way, shape or form.

A few years ago, I found this song. And it changed the way I think.

“And I accept your mood swings, each you is more perfect.”

That line right there made realize that thats the kinda guy that I need.

Someone who understands that yeah, I can be a bitch one second and then be the happiest person in the world the next.

I’m not perfect. I am far from perfect.

I will be the first one to point out all my flaws to you.

I’m loud.

I’m hardheaded.

I’m a party girl.

And I don’t want to find someone that makes me quiet, or  breaks me down or simply makes me change the way I am.

“And I accept that your’e a wreck, I see beauty in it.”

And that right there, that is true love.

Someone who knows my flaws and knows that I am who I am and I’m not going to change anytime soon, and still loves me and accepts me as me and thinks I’m perfect despite knowing me inside and out. That is beautiful.

“This love, it works for us.”

Iv’e tried to change for guys in the past. I tried to not be me. And obviously that did not work out in the end because I am alone.

And I really feel like I shouldn’t have to change for anyone.

Yeah, when the time comes I will chill out a bit with the parties and being adventurous and what not but right now, I am young and have so much life ahead of me so I don’t see the point of changing my ways for someone who is not going to be a part of my future.

And you might be saying to yourself “You don’t know if they are going to be in your future or not Elana.”

Yes. Yes I do. These little dumb fucks are not going to be a part of my future. Ever.

Do you want to know how many guys said that they wanted to marry me?


How many of those people are still in my life?


So I have a really good feeling that these guys in the near future will be any different.

But anyway, I feel as if I got a little bit off topic.

All in all, relationships should be about accepting your significant others for who they are, flaws and all. Perfection is overrated and frankly it does not exist. But true love does exist so be open minded to new things and new people.

Oh and, I believe in a thing called love (:

A strong person can only stay strong for so long.

Last night I cried my eyes out.

I let things get to me that shouldn’t.

I thought of people that I shouldn’t.


I let all of my uncried tears fall.

But now I am good.


With being a girl, I love being able to cry myself to sleep and then wake up so much better.

And I’m just glad that no one caused my tears but myself.

Now it is time for me to be a big girl and give the world hell.

“I want a lover I don’t have to love”

We have all had a moment or phase in our life that we are not proud of. Mine just so happens to be my whore phase.

I would like to think that this song pretty much describes my whore phase. I always wanted a lover that I didn’t have to love. I wanted a boy who was to sad to give a fuck. I wanted a boy so drunk he couldn’t talk.

I always had the sad boys who got out of a relationship or ones who hated their life or the ones that just thought they were worthless.

They were the easy ones. It was so easy to get them to want me.

And for some reason, after I hurt these amazing boys, the would still come back to me. Over and over and over again.

Some still want to come back for some insane reason.

And before I write anymore, I want everyone to know that I have changed. I am not that heartless girl anymore. I feel in love and gave someone my heart and it got crushed. Riped into little tiny pieces.

And when I remembered how much getting played hurt, I quit. I couldn’t do that to people anymore. I had gotten my karma and it made me change my ways. But I’m not going to lie, sometimes I wish I was that heartless girl again. I never once got hurt when I was like that. I did all the heart breaking. I didn’t have to put my whole heart and soul out to someone and hope that they didn’t hurt me.

But anyway. back to the story.

First of all, I feel that I hurt Chris the most. I dated him my sophomore and junior year off and on for a while. He was a really nice kid, kinda weird but he treated me so good. Chris really did love me. And he is the one who gave me the ring that I still wear. But when I was dating Chris, Eric was always in the picture somehow. If you don’t remember, Eric is the one that took my virginity when I was 15. He was the guy who I was smitten with for about 2 years. But whenever Eric called me or texted me and told me that he wanted me, I would come. I would come in a heartbeat. And heres another thing about my whore stage, no matter who I was with, if Eric wanted me for one more night I would come and give him everything that he wanted. I did that because I felt as if I did everything he wanted me to, that he would love me again and be with me again. But no, I was only good for sex, I was never good enough for anything else but sex. And I honestly felt like that for a long time, which really made this stage in my life bad. But I ended up taking his virginity so Chris got something out of it in the end.

And now on to James. Okay well this story is kinda weird and pisses me off. Well James was in a band with Eric at one time. So, me and James started talking and then he started coming over to my house and we started having a lot of sex. No one knew. No one even knew that we were talking. I got fed up one day and decided to tell Eric because I knew he would be pissed and jealous. So when I told Eric, he decided to call me everything in the book. Whore. Slut. Worthless. Oh and the phrase “nothing better than a porn star” came up. So, I took the shirt that used to be his, the one I got when I lost my virginity to him, and I cut it up into little pieces. I really do wish I kept that shirt though. It was awesome.











That was the shirt, but it was blue.

So anyway, most of these stories end up with me leaving someone for Eric. Which was a very very dumb thing for me to do. Eric never wanted me. Well he did want me, but never the way I wanted him.

And yes, there is a lot more stories that I could tell you but frankly, I am tired of writing right now.





I wish you well;

First of all, before you even start to read anything, you need to listen to this amazing song.

Yellow Ostrich is amazing and this song makes my soul so happy.

And yeah, I heard this song preformed live.

Alex has one of the most amazing voices in the world.

“You always seemed a little to happy, Mary.”

Love it.

Well anyway, I have been thinking about this topic for a while now.

And no, not drugs. Fuck drugs.

And yeah, that song has nothing to do with what I have been thinking about I just really wanted you to hear it.

Anyway, as some of you may know, I like to think and I tend to do it all the time. And when I say think I don’t mean oh I wonder what I’m going to wear or what I’m going to do tomorrow. I think about crazy shit.

Like what if all of our wishes that we have wished since we were old enough to make wishes, all came true?

Every little girl would have a pony and we would all be married by like age 12.

A lot of people would be dead.

A lot of people would be famous.

A lot of people would be rich.

A lot of people would be beautiful, or atleast what they think society sees as beauty.

I for one am glad that wishes do not always come true.

I would still be with the same guy I was with when I was 15, or maybe even the one I was with when I was 13.

Maybe my kindergarten crush, who is a huge douche bag now, would be my husband.

I would be a princess and I would have a lot of friends.

But you know what, I love my life the way it is.

I have been through struggles that have made me, me.


Elana Raquel Engelhardt.

Life is not meant to be perfect.

My life is imperfectly perfect.

I wish it stays like that forever.