Are you better off alone?

That question has been in the back of my head for a while now. I just don’t know how to answer it.

I have my days where I am so glad that I am alone. Because when I am alone I can go places and do things and not feel guilty or remorse for not bringing my other half. Like last night, when I was at an amazing little coffee shop watching this little indietastic show. If I was in a relationship, then I would have not been able to soak in the beauty of all the boys with their beards and beanies and glasses that I am oh so addicted to. I would have not been able to eye fuck the cute photographer who was drinking a beer on the couch across from me. I really doubt that I would have been able to enjoy myself so much.

But then again, I have my days were all I freaking see is happy couples. The kind of couples that are so happy it’s just like a smack in the face when you see them. Like they were put on this earth to find each other and make you feel as if you are the biggest loser ever. And then I realize that all of my recent ex’s now have significant others who they quote and quote love. And that can’t make anyone feel good about them self.

And now that guitar boy is back in my life, that just brings me so much more confusion. I like him. He knows that I like him. And for the most part, I know that he likes me too. I think.

But, he says he doesn’t have time for a relationship. And when he says this I simply tell him that a relationship is the last thing on my mind but that is far from true.

I am a relationship kinda girl. I never was in the past but I have grown up a lot in the past few years and now I can say with confidence that I am a relationship person. I’m the type of girl who will cook and clean for her man and take care of him and try to make sure that he is happy. I want a guy to feel like he is part of my family.

But with Mr. Guitar boy, I don’t even know. He says he doesn’t want to lead me on, and I get that.

When we talked before, I really liked him and basically, he just thought I was hot and blah blah blah.

But I just really think he is scared of me. He knows that we just have natural chemistry.

The other day we were texting and just asking each other questions. And he came up with “If you had 1 day to spend with me what all would we go do :)” and I told him that all I would want to do is go to a zoo and eat, and that the rest was up to him. Then he responded with “haha so zoo and eat, and then id have you for whatever i wanted to do?” and then I said something witty about how he couldn’t rape me or whatever and he said “Noo haha cuddle and watch movies prolly and whatever else happens”

BUT HE DOES NOT WANT TO LEAD ME ON.

Yeah, okay.

And then last night after I was on my way home from the show, he texted me. He asked if I picked up any hotties and I said no because sadly I did not. Then we got on the topic of me not being able to flirt anymore. And this is really true. I haven’t had the need to flirt nor anyone to flirt with so I just lost it. And then he said we could flirt.

BUT HE DOES NOT WANT TO LEAD ME ON.

But then the zoo topic came back up, by me of course. And I told him that he really does need to take me to the zoo. And he was fighting it. I was being cute and kept asking him please and he still kept saying no. He said that he did not want to lead me on. I told him that it was simply the zoo, that I did not expect anything from it but he still said no. Then he, well I don’t know. He said that he felt bad for letting me down.

I just want to go to the fucking zoo.

Then I realized that I really want to go with him. But that would make it like a date. I would LOVE that but he wouldn’t.

And also, he apologized for the past, which made me like him even more.

Ugh so yeah, that was my little pointless rant about what was on my mind

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About mylifeaselana

Words can not describe me. But I try to use them to explain me. View all posts by mylifeaselana

8 responses to “Are you better off alone?

  • Emily

    Elana, I hate to be the bringer of bad news, but if he treats you this way before you’re even an item, maybe you don’t want him. The guys I’ve been with who treat me like this before the relationship end up being the worst boyfriends I’ve ever had. Of course, that’s what people remind me when I’m infatuated with him, and then I ignore them because I’m positive he’ll be different and he isn’t meaning to be so cruel… but it always ends the same. So here’s my push to you to stand up for yourself and say no to him. Wait for someone who has the sense to see your worth and not drag you around like a toy. Good luck, girl.

  • mylifeaselana

    I honestly just realized this last night :/ Thanks for the help

  • Danniel

    Ugh, I am so that guitar boy, except not assumedly hot, and I lack all musical talent. But I lead girls on all the time, not purposely. It’s just hard not to when it’s a girl you really like. I don’t know him so I don’t know what he’s thinking when he says stuff like he’d want to cuddle with you, all the while having said he doesn’t want to lead you on, but he could be serious in not wanting to lead you on and not thinking that what he’s saying is leading you on.

    He may just not want to be in a relationship because he’ll feel bad that he won’t be able to give you enough time because he has to focus on the other stuff in his life taking up his time. Or maybe he’s worried he’ll like you so much that he’ll spend all his time with you and never get anything else done. I know those are both fears I have when thinking about if I was in a relationship right now.

    It might sound like I’m defending him, but I think it’s more that I’m defending me and my terrible flirting ways. It is terrible, because leading people on is horrible. I know because I’ve been led on and I’ve accidentally led girls on, and it’s not a good thing, but from what it sounds like he’s not just trying to get in your pants. I think he’s really conflicted in what he wants. Who knows, he could be writing this same blog post right now about how great it is to be single, but at the same time knowing that there’s this great girl he’d like to be in a relationship with.

    I don’t know. I don’t know at all.

    Good luck though.

    • mylifeaselana

      Well, he is now out of my life.
      Ugh I hate guys.
      I’m so about to go lesbo.

      • Danniel

        I’m sorry things didn’t work out.

        I could probably sit here and make a comprehensive list of all the reason I’ve learned through reading your blog that you’d make a fucking fantastic girlfriend to some unbelievably lucky bastard, but a list that long would take up my entire day, and probably leave me yet again falling head over heels for a girl who is what seems like lightyears away from me.

        It’s that guys loss anyway. If I was there I would totally work my ass off to get my shit together, and then I’d be outside your window every night, down on my knees, begging you to let me take you to the zoo. Even if it meant just going as friends, and that I couldn’t make any poop throwing jokes when we got to the monkeys, and every time I looked at your boobs when you weren’t looking I’d get an extreme shock to my balls, it’d still totally be worth it.

        I don’t care if you hate guys. A lot of us are assholes. But there are good ones, and or you’re still young so don’t get your head down because you’re gonna find a lot of good ones and you’ll find one perfect for you. But please through all this bullshit you’ve been put through, don’t take it out on yourself, because the truth is you’re fucking amazing.

      • mylifeaselana

        You always find a way to make me smile and I want to thank you for that. 🙂

  • Danniel

    Well you deserve to be smiling and you give me a lot of reasons to wanna make you smile, so it’s no problem at all.

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