“I want a lover I don’t have to love”

We have all had a moment or phase in our life that we are not proud of. Mine just so happens to be my whore phase.

I would like to think that this song pretty much describes my whore phase. I always wanted a lover that I didn’t have to love. I wanted a boy who was to sad to give a fuck. I wanted a boy so drunk he couldn’t talk.

I always had the sad boys who got out of a relationship or ones who hated their life or the ones that just thought they were worthless.

They were the easy ones. It was so easy to get them to want me.

And for some reason, after I hurt these amazing boys, the would still come back to me. Over and over and over again.

Some still want to come back for some insane reason.

And before I write anymore, I want everyone to know that I have changed. I am not that heartless girl anymore. I feel in love and gave someone my heart and it got crushed. Riped into little tiny pieces.

And when I remembered how much getting played hurt, I quit. I couldn’t do that to people anymore. I had gotten my karma and it made me change my ways. But I’m not going to lie, sometimes I wish I was that heartless girl again. I never once got hurt when I was like that. I did all the heart breaking. I didn’t have to put my whole heart and soul out to someone and hope that they didn’t hurt me.

But anyway. back to the story.

First of all, I feel that I hurt Chris the most. I dated him my sophomore and junior year off and on for a while. He was a really nice kid, kinda weird but he treated me so good. Chris really did love me. And he is the one who gave me the ring that I still wear. But when I was dating Chris, Eric was always in the picture somehow. If you don’t remember, Eric is the one that took my virginity when I was 15. He was the guy who I was smitten with for about 2 years. But whenever Eric called me or texted me and told me that he wanted me, I would come. I would come in a heartbeat. And heres another thing about my whore stage, no matter who I was with, if Eric wanted me for one more night I would come and give him everything that he wanted. I did that because I felt as if I did everything he wanted me to, that he would love me again and be with me again. But no, I was only good for sex, I was never good enough for anything else but sex. And I honestly felt like that for a long time, which really made this stage in my life bad. But I ended up taking his virginity so Chris got something out of it in the end.

And now on to James. Okay well this story is kinda weird and pisses me off. Well James was in a band with Eric at one time. So, me and James started talking and then he started coming over to my house and we started having a lot of sex. No one knew. No one even knew that we were talking. I got fed up one day and decided to tell Eric because I knew he would be pissed and jealous. So when I told Eric, he decided to call me everything in the book. Whore. Slut. Worthless. Oh and the phrase “nothing better than a porn star” came up. So, I took the shirt that used to be his, the one I got when I lost my virginity to him, and I cut it up into little pieces. I really do wish I kept that shirt though. It was awesome.











That was the shirt, but it was blue.

So anyway, most of these stories end up with me leaving someone for Eric. Which was a very very dumb thing for me to do. Eric never wanted me. Well he did want me, but never the way I wanted him.

And yes, there is a lot more stories that I could tell you but frankly, I am tired of writing right now.






About mylifeaselana

Words can not describe me. But I try to use them to explain me. View all posts by mylifeaselana

2 responses to ““I want a lover I don’t have to love”

  • Danniel

    Two things, possibly more will come up as I write, but probably only two.

    1) I don’t like this song. I always thought it was just okay for a Bright Eyes song (most of that wasn’t based on the lyrics) and then one day on Facebook as I saw the girl I loved had posted this song and without a beat I immediately thought, “Yep, you would like this song,” and then I felt like an asshole.

    2) I constantly think about going through my whore phrase, which I guess for normal guys would be from the age of 15 to 30, which is a weird feeling for me because I’ve never really wanted to have meaningless sex with a bunch of girls until I started really caring about girls and finding out that most of the time things don’t work out with those girls and it usually leads to pain. Nonetheless, I’m not sure I can have a whore phrase, and confusingly I’m not sure how I feel about that. It would feel really nice to just not give a fuck about any girl for a while. It’s just so fucking hard to do.

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