Monthly Archives: May 2011

Oh Florida please be still tonight;

Insomnia is an annoying thing. It really is.

Sleep is kinda overrated anyway.

So, I really don’t know what to say right now.

blah. I have skype and ooVoo now if anyone wants to talk to me there.


I have no life.

Or you can shoot me an email

I need new people to talk to.

Now its time to go make some green tea, snuggle in my snuggie and watch as time keeps passing by.


Winter guard ruined my life;

So, my first two years of high school I did this thing called winter guard. Most of you probably do not know what that is. Its that thing with the flags. Yeahhhh.

Well anyway, I did that my freshman and sophomore year.

Here is a video from one of my very first shows. The theme was “Dead Poets society”.

We practiced all the time and had a show every weekend it seemed like.

And if you were wondering if I was good, well I was okay. I didn’t suck but I wasn’t the best either.

One of the good things about guard is that I met a few good friends. And while I don’t talk to any of them anymore execpt  for Lauren of course. But at the time, my teammates were my family. They were my sisters.

I remember one night in particular night when me and some of the girls were sitting outside at one of our competitions. Lauren started crying, then I started crying and then like 5 other girls started crying too. We were all crying about something different but at pretty much the same. Boys. Boys and how they were fucking with our hearts.

It was honestly one of my best moments of my guard career.

Sometimes I wish that I would have continued with guard but I know that I would’t be able to do it. Guard is full of girls and drama and I don’t like either.

“I hate him. I love him. I would never be with him again.”

Honestly I think that every girl has said that to herself one or more times in her life.

Sadly, I don’t think I have said it to myself enough.

And no, this is not going to be a “boys suck, woe is me” kinda post. This is just me stating the obvious. Stating the fact that more girls need to be able to say this and realize this before it is too late.

When it comes to being with others, significant others to be more exact, there are some things that have to be taken into perspective. But more so, if this is your multiple time trying to be with said person, you really need to think things through.

If the person you think you want, has done you wrong in the past then you have to listen to your brain rather than your heart.

Your heart tells you lies.

Your brain makes you realize these lies.

But yes, people can change. But no, not all the time.

For example, my trust for Ryan will never be fully there nor will Brandon’s trust for me.

And yes, it is nice to give people second chances, everyone deserves a second chance once in a while but when you are giving someone three, or four or seven chances, you need to reevaluate things.

There is a huge difference between giving someone chances and getting used.

“I hate him. I love him. I would never be with him again.”

For the most part, Ryan is a good person. He makes the shittiest decisions in this world. He broke my heart. He is NOT boyfriend material. At all.

I hate him. I love him. I would never in a million years be with him ever again.

I hate Dustin for being a dad. I love him for who he used to be. I would never try to be with him ever again.

See how easy that is for me to say? Do you know how long it took me to realize all of this?

Way longer than it should have.

We get blinded by what we think is love. We get blinded on what our other half makes us believe is real love. We get blinded on what we think love is and what we want it to be.

I want to be able to say

“I hate him. I love him. And I never want to be with anyone else besides him.”

“Something always brings me back to you”

                                           “It never takes too long.”

The first time I heard this song, I cried my eyes out. The first time I  heard this, I was at a winterguard competition and this is exactly how I felt.

It was my freshman year and it was around the time me and my first kiss Matt, were talking again.

I feel like the bad guys of my past always seem to show up at the wrong times. When I’m happy or when I am venerable or when I am dating someone. They always show up. It is like they have an “Things are going right in Elanas’ life right now, lets fuck it up” radar something.

“You touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.”

I don’t want to always be this girl. The one that leaves everything good in her life to go to the past once again. Knowing that I am going to hurt but surpassing my better judgement and going for it anyway.

And this song;

I also heard this at a guard show and yes, I also cried my eyes out when I heard it and to this day I still cry.

I always feel as if I can fix the relationship, that there is something I can do to make the guy want me again or that I can be a better person for them.

“And I whisper ‘why cant you love me? I’ll change for you'”.

I need to learn that if a guy doesn’t love me for me, then he does not deserve me.

At all.

And if he doesn’t want me now, for who I am and for whom I shall always be, then nothing is going to change.

Time does make things change, but not important things.

Not things like love.