Confessions of a fuck girl. Part 1

INTRO
There are many people in the world. Many of thousands of people. There is people you can trust and people you can’t. There are people who are capeable and worthy of your love and then there are the ones that are not. There are the good guys and the bad guys, and there was him. He was a mixture of all of those different kinds of people. One day I could trust him with my life and the next you would have to look at the sky and make sure it was really blue like he said it was. Somedays when I loved him I just knew that he appreciated my love and whole heartidly loved me back. But then there was those days where I questioned his motive of being with me.
When we first started “us” things were phonomeal. He wrote me poetry and bought me flowers and showed me off to his friends. Then he started using his love for words in a negative way. He bought drugs. He laughed at me with his friends.
But I stayed with him.
He cheated and lied and did more drugs.
But I stayed with him.
He made my life a living hell and made me lose contact with my closest friends.
But I stayed with him.

Then he left me.
He came back for sex of course, they always did.
I have always been the girl that the guys don’t want to date but they will gladly fuck her all the time.
That is all I was.
The fuck girl.
The fuck girl who though that if she gave the guys she loved what they wanted then they would eventually love her.

That doesn’t work out.
The fuck girl always gets fucked.

The moral of this story is just that.

The fuck girl always gets fucked.
BAND BOY (1)

The whole fuck girl thing started with the guy I lost my virginity to.
Band boy.
Now in the begining band boy was really nice.
(As you will later find out, they are always really nice in the begining.)
He sang to me and played my favorite song on the guitar.
He introduced me to his family.
He made me feel loved and me being just 15 at the time, made me feel special.
Now band boy was 17, turning 18 and I thought that he was the love of my life.
I was young and niave.
We dated for a little while then he broke up with me.
We didn’t talk while I was nursing my broken heart and he flirted with numerous groupie whores.
But for some reason me and band boy started talking again.
And my feelings for him became stronger.
And he told me he loved me
while we wern’t daiting.
He waid he wanted to be with me
while we wern’t daiting.
He took my virginity
while we wern’t daiting.
He talked to other girls
while we wern’t daiting.
I was not allowed to talk to other guys
while we wern’t daiting.
We hooked up and he lead me on for 9 months
while we wern’t daiting.

And also,
while we wern’t daiting
I dated a few guys.
These guys were honeslty really nice guys.
True guys.
Stupid guys.
See, these guys were stupid because they wanted me.
Band boy always had a way of coming back into my life and screwing it up while I was content.

I lived for his texts.
If he said he was going to come get me, I got ready.
If he told me that he wanted me, I broke up with whoever I was daiting.
If he said that he needed me, I felt like a horiable person for not being there for him.
If he said that he loved me, my heart told me that I loved him back.
Band boy had me wraped around his skinny little guitar playing fingers.

Band boy is the reason I feel like I will never be anything but the fuck girl.

My most vivid memory of band boy is a night a little bit after we had one of our biggest fights ever.
There was a Relay for Life walk at my high school that I was volunteering at and he showed up with his band mates.
The moment I saw him my anxiety started kicking in.
Every time I saw him I tried to act like I was having the time of my life.
Every time I saw him I had to lie to myself and say that I wanted nothing to do with him.
Every time I saw him all I wanted to do was cry.
And that is exaclty what I did.
I went into the parking lot, sat down on a curb and started crying.
I was too busy crying to notice this shadow come near me.
The next thing I knew, band boy was sitting down next to me talking and appoligizing.
The next thing I knew, I agreed to going to McDonalds with him and a few of his friends for a bit.
The next thing I knew, we were eating our food and talking and being civil.
The next thing I knew, we were back at the school and just him and I were in the back seat of his car.
He kissed me.
I kissed him back.
He kissed me harder.
I started to cry again.
I was mad at myself for letting this happen once again.
I was mad that he saw me crying.
I was mad that I was being weak.
He held me.
He told me that everything was going to be okay.
I cried even harder.
When I got done crying he softly kissed me.
He gave me very little time to feel better until he made me make him feel good.
And I did because I was a dumb little fuck girl.
Fuck girls get fucked, they don’t do the fucking.

 

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About mylifeaselana

Words can not describe me. But I try to use them to explain me. View all posts by mylifeaselana

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