Category Archives: Insomniac fun

Oh Florida please be still tonight;

Insomnia is an annoying thing. It really is.

Sleep is kinda overrated anyway.

So, I really don’t know what to say right now.

blah. I have skype and ooVoo now if anyone wants to talk to me there.

Elanahhr.

I have no life.

Or you can shoot me an email

elanahhr@aol.com

I need new people to talk to.

Now its time to go make some green tea, snuggle in my snuggie and watch as time keeps passing by.


Random post about my fears

Achluophobia- Fear of darkness. I am terrified of the dark. I always sleep with a night light. The dark is just so full of nothingness and everything all at the same time. You never know who or what is in the darkness. I just don’t like it.

Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders. I would like to think that is very self explanatory. Spiders are effin scary.

Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns. Clowns are scary. I don’t care what you think. The ones that are always happy scare me the most. The happy clowns are always the crazy killers in the movies. I hate clowns with a dirty passion.

Hobophobia- Fear of bums or beggars. I have this fear because of Downtown Orlando.

Ichthyophobia- Fear of fish. I hate the way they look at me.

Ithyphallophobia- Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis. If my penis was erect, I would flip shit.

Katsaridaphobia- Fear of cockroaches. That is the only reason men walk this planet, to kill the bugs.

Medomalacuphobia- Fear of losing an erection. Now that would just be embarrassing.

Nosocomephobia- Fear of hospitals. Hospitals just remind me of death.

Ophthalmophobia- Fear of being stared at.

Ranidaphobia- Fear of frogs. FROGS ARE GROSS.

Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes. Uhm, they can KILL you.

Spheksophobia- Fear of wasps.

Theophobia- Fear of gods or religion.

Dragoferosus-Fear of dragonflies.

Annndddd, I am afraid of elevators but this world is too dumb to think of a name so I like to call it elanaisapussyphobia.




Diary of an insomniac. Part 4.

12:06 “Even the best fall down sometimes, even the wrong words seem to rhyme.”

12:39 Sleep. I know I’ll regret the decision but I’m exhausted.

Night

10:03 Poptarts. Music. Sweat pants. Writing. Lovely.

10:05 I wish they would make single poptarts. I can never eat them both.

11:16 I love the feeling of falling in love. I love the awkwardness of a first kiss. I love the shyness of finding boundaries. I love the fun of getting to know someone. I love love.

3-7-11

12:37 I just broke down and cried. I was listening to one of those talk shows where you call in and tell them your problems. A guy called in and he talked about his heroin addiction. All I could think about was you for some reason. You said you got clean way before we started talking. You told me about your past on a night full of tears. You showed me where you would shoot up. I miss you so much. I don’t even know why I started to cry. I just really need to hear your voice. I need to know that you are okay. I need to know that you are clean. I need to know you are still alive.

12:43 Snuggies are pretty much the best thing in the world.

12:46 I see shadows. They are dancing all around me. I find comfort in these shadows.

12:49 I hate sleeping alone. I need someone to hold on to. Someone to hold me. Someones’ heartbeat to sing me to sleep. Someones’  body intertwined with mine.

12:56 During the day I am happy. During the day my brain chills out. But as soon as the sun goes down and the stars come out, reality sinks in. My empty bed reminds me I’m alone. The fact that I have no one to talk to reminds me I’m alone. The night reminds me I’m alone. The night is my biggest enemy.

1:04 “I think I could be happy with you for a long time.”


Diary of an insomniac. Part 3

7:56 I want you to know something.   You don’t need the alcohol.  You don’t need the drugs.  You don’t.  You are one of the greatest people I know.  You have a beautiful soul.  I want you to know that  he is watching over you.   I want you to know that  he loves you and misses you,  just like you love and miss him.  I want you to know that no matter what,  I am here for you.  I want you to know that I appreciate   everything you have done for me.  I just wanted you to know that.

9:25 I’m almost completely over you.

9:47 South park is the best show in the world.

10:27 I’ve had to deal with   a lot   of things in my 17 years of life.  I almost lost my dad to a   heart attack.  I stayed up with you  all night  because I didn’t want you to   kill yourself.  I took around 30 pills hoping that   I would die.   I had to lay there,   in a drugged up state  hating myself   for not being able to   kill myself.  I had to sit there and  watch you kiss her.   I had to deal with my dad leaving.  I had to realize that  I am loved.  I do have a purpose.  I am strong.

10:36 I’m not perfect.  I’ll be the first person to tell you that.  I’ve been called perfect.  By boys.  Boys who didn’t stick around.  I love not being perfect.   Perfect is boring and overrated.  Perfect does not exist.

10:39 I have an obsession.  With trees.  With love.  With fire.  With flowers.  With babies.  With rain.  With black and white pictures.  With sweaters.  With scarves.  With beautiful things.

10:41 “This is me swallowing my pride, standing in font of you, saying I’m sorry for that night.”

10:42 I would never want to go  back to December  ever again.

10:44 I’ve been analyzed.  I’ve been criticized.  I’ve done things that I’m not proud of.  I’ve had my heart broken.  I’ve broken hearts.  I’ve cried.  I’ve lied.  I’ve had one night stands.  I’ve dabbled in drugs.  I’ve sneaked out.  I’ve blacked out.  I’ve cursed your name.  I’ve played boys like it’s a game.  I’ve lived how I wanted to.  I’ve lived the only way I know how to.  I’ve lived my life for me, not you.

10:52 Honestly,  there has to be aliens.  We can not be the only  “intelligent” things in this universe.

10:54 Brandon, I just thought about you.

11:34 “Look for a girl with a broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while.”

11:35 I will be loved.

11:54 Yes,  I still think of you when  there is a thunder storm  and when I see the sun.  Yes, you do randomly pop into my head.  Yes, I can’t listen to ” Love like crazy”  without thinking of you.  Yes, I miss you.  Yes, I hate it.

3-4-11
10:14 Looks like I did it again. I said something that got you mad. I said your dead brother loves you and misses you. I know you. I know you more than anyone. I know you don’t like to talk about him. I freaking know this. But honestly, you can’ leave things bottled up inside of you. You need to talk about it. You need to let it go. I’m not saying forget about him. He’s your brother, He is always going to be in your heart. Guess what. He loves you. He misses you. Get over it. You can hate me for saying that but it needed to be said.

10:22 It’s weird to think that all of the people I know now are going to be married and have kidds one day. It’s just weird to me.
3-5-11

Night.

11:29 I hate to say this. I really do. But I think that  “the weekend we shall never speak of again.” happenend for a reason. For the best. It brought me and my family  closer. It brought me and my friends closer. It brought me and me closer.
11:32 It made Brandon so far away. Too far. Too much away.
11:33 I think we need moments in our life that make us realize how much we have going for us. Bad moments. Good moments. Sad moments. Happy moments. Moments are moments. Moments can change everything.

11:35 I have been laughing a lot more. I have been smiling a lot more too. And the great thing is, they are all real.
11:36 But, I still get my moments. the moments where I just Cry. Cry. Cry. The moments where all I can  think about is Brandon and how lonely I am.
11:37 Ryan, fuck you. All you did was put me through shit. I wish I never met you. Typical Apopka boy.
11:39 Brandon, I miss you. But not as much as I used to. Our anniversary would have been in  four days. I think about you a lot. I think about our dumb little inside jokes. I think about how we  planned our future. I think about how we would finish each others senctnces.  I think aobut how perfect we  were for eachother. I hope one day we can be friends again.

11:42 Zach, I’m sorry I mentioned him. But at the same time, I’m not. Just because he died does not meant that you have to kill yourself with all those poisons. I can not stress enought how much  he misses you and loves you. Please turn your life around. I don’t want to have to miss you because you dided before  your time was up.
11:46 Dustin, I don’t know what to say to you. At one point in time, you really did have my heart. Both of our lives have changed since that summer. You are going to be a great father. I’ve always know that. But please, take care of your fiance. I never thought I’d say that.  I will always have ill feelings towards her for obvious reasons, but treat her right. Don’t flirt with everything that  has a vagina. Her and your daughter should be the most important things in your life. And Lucky, you can’t forget Lucky. I’ll call you when I’m in  Bay City.
11:53 Kalub, I haave no idea where you are in life right now. I just hope you are doing great. I hope you are still clean. Shadow says hi.
11:55 Taylor swift is like the  soundtrack of my life.
11:55 “White horse” Eric. “Better than revenge.” Ryan. “Back to December.” Brandon. “Hey Stephen.” Steven. “Teardrops on my guitar.” Tim. “Dear John.” Eric. “Speak now.” Dustin. “Picture to burn.” Matt. “Our song.” Brandon. “Tim Mcgraw.” Kalub. “Never grow up.” Me. “Mean.” This whole fucking town.

11:58 I really wish it would rain. I need a big thunder storm to roll in. I need to be calm.

3-6-11

12:00 “You’re a lover, I’m a runner.”

12:01 I found out that I have “good skin for tattoos.” I’m white. Really white. If you didn’t know that I was half mexican, well then you would never know that I am half mexican.


Diary of an insomniac. Part 2

2:05 Hi.  You might not remember me.  My name is Elana.  You called me your pretty girl.  I was head over heals for you.  You sang to me.  Helped me sleep. Gave me confidence.  Said you needed me.  Said you would trade your Georgia skies for my eyes.  You joined the army.  Bye.

2:08 I love how my past is full of people who never think about me.  Hopefully my future will be full of people who can’t live without me.

2:10 Remember the day you met my mom?  It was the day you gave me the roses.  The roses with the note.  “Elana, I love you . You need to marry me and be mine forever.”  The note that I ripped up.  The roses I left to die.  Just like what you let happen to our love.  “Love.”

2:21 A good night, before you were put in it.  A situation I never should have put myself in.  “Shh, it’s okay.”  ” I missed you so much.”  “You will always be my angel.”  Two years since I saw you.  I hated myself.  I hated you.  You “loved” me.  I call bullshit.

3:05 I burnt that picture of you.   You were 11.  I burnt it.  It felt good.

3:07 Everything happens for a reason.  You have to deal with the rain if you want a rainbow.  You will find better.  He didn’t deserve you.   Cliche.  Cliche.  Cliche.  Cliche.

3:09 Love scares me.  I trust too easily.  I have never been in love.  Sometimes to me love is like the concept of god.  Unrealistic. A nice theory but, unrealistic.  Truth.  Truth.  Truth,  Truth.

3:14 Brandon, I still miss you.  There is a few guys who like me.  And who I like.  But, I’m scared.  I don’t want to move on and then have you want me again.  That’s not going to happen.  But it could.  Not.

4:02 I had a nightmare.  Zombies were trying to kill me.  They looked like me.  Sleep is bad.  Night

8:38 My stomach hurts.  I remember the day you rubbed my tummy.  And ran your fingers through my hair.  I felt better.  I hate you.

8:41 When I die, can someone please scatter my ashes around the world?  I don’t want to be stuck in the ground.  I don’t want worms to eat me up.

8:43 Right now around this time. I would be talking to Brandon.  If we were still together.  We would be laughing.  Telling jokes.  Talking about our day.  Planning our future.  Reminding each other how much we love the other.  Brandon, I love you.

9:16 I was 15. You were 17.  You always wanted me.  In your bed.  In the Wal-Mart parking lot.  In the Win-Dixie parking lot.  In the bowling alley parking lot.  In the senior parking lot.  But you never wanted me in the most important place of all.  Your heart.

9:36 When you think about your senior year,  my junior year,  I hope you think about math class.  The class you got switched into,  to be with me.  Then we broke up.  Then class was hell.  All of those weeks full of tension.  Tension you could cut with a knife.  Weeks that dragged on.  I hope you think of that note.  The note that I poured my heart and soul into.  The note that made us friends again.  The note that made me like going to math class.  When you think of your junior year,  my sophomore year,  I hope you think about our first kiss.  And the ring you have me.  The ring that I still wear to this day.

9:49 He was all the things I wanted in a guy.  He was cute, in this own little way.  We was funny, and always had me laughing.  He was easy to talk to.  When he played the guitar, my heart melted.  When he looked at me, my heart melted.  He loved his family and friends.  He valued his morals.  He was surprised that I liked him.  It took me a while to realize I liked him.  I tried to get him.  But to him, I was sin.  I wasn’t good enough for him.  We wanted me, and that scared him.  But I never would have been the kind of girl to make him stray.  This was one of the first times that my past   prevented me from having a future.  I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.  It hurt.  Bad.

10:19 Pork chop.  Tom bear.  Thomas Clark.  No matter what I called him. he was my best friend.  My Tom bear.  My pork chop.  My everything.  It’s funny to think about how we started.  Flirting. More than friends.  That’s how it was for 3 months.  From the second I woke up.  till the moment I passed out.  My day always ended with  “Sweet dreams poptart.”  I told him everything and vice versa.  My not so little marine boy.  My 20 year old virgin.  The boy who complained like a little girl on his 21st birthday.  The boy who hates the thought of marriage.  The boy who made a year of my life amazing.  The boy I like to call my Tom bear.

10:46 Only a hand full of guys have ever seen me cry.  The one who made me in the backseat of his car and tried to kiss the pain away.  And the guy who made me hate myself.  I cried in the corner of his room.  On the bed. Under the covers.  He didn’t give a damn.

11:16 I need a gay best friend.

11:42 Texas.  Everyone wants to know why I want to move to Texas.  Honestly, I have a gut feeling that it is the right place for me.  To live.  To grow.  To thrive.  I feel that I will be able to find more people like me there.  People who understand how my brain works.  My brain is a very strange place.  It’s full of random facts and thoughts and memories.  Oh, the memories.

11:48 There are some things that are easier to write then to say out loud.  When you speak, it makes things true.  I used to cut.  Everyone does it for their own reason.  In a nut shell, I did it for power.  I was always getting hurt.  Always feeling as if I was worthless.  When I cut myself, I had the power to hurt myself.  No one could hurt me the way I did.  I felt as if crying showed weakness.  I would not let myself be weak.  If anything was going to be proof that I was hurting, it would be blood.  Never tears.  And now, as I cry writing this,  I know that showing your emotions is not you being weak.  You are being strong.  That was a dark time in my life,   but I over came it.

11:57 There has been one person that has been a constant in my life for  7 years.  She is my best friend. One of the most beautiful person I have ever known.  She has always been here for me.  We watched each other grow up.  We have cried with each other.  Laughed.  Fought.  Everything.  I would be nothing without this girl.  We haven’t always had the best friendship but I know at the end of the day she is always  on my side.  She helped we through my first guy and she is going to be there for my last.  She was here for me when I didn’t want to live.  She is a strong person and I really hope she knows how much  I love her.

3-2-11

12:05 “You were born for leaving.”

12:07 I have always hated Apopka.  I have always wanted to get out of this hell hole.  I know that there is going to be  crappy people  in every town. I just want to leave these crappy people I have known almost  my whole life.

12:09 I have a lot of addictions.   Not meth, but something like it.  Green tea.  Quotes.   Post secrets.  Photography.  Green tea.  Acoustic songs.  Nature.  My cat.  Did I mention green tea?

12:10 ” We’re smiling but we’re close to tears.”

12:20 I just found an old phone of mine.  The background is a certain country boy.  I found a text from that boy.  ” Good morning…  Have you noticed how people just throw that phrase around assuming that they are right?       These days I find it hard not to last out at these seemingly harmless gestures of good will. You  see, my problem is I had to wake up to a morning without you. And if they only knew how that   felt, they wouldn’t dare to call it good.”  I got that on 08/21/2009.  As you can see, that is why I fell for that boy.  I named my cat after him.  Well, my cats middle name anyway.  Shadow Kalub Drew.  Yup.  My cat has a middle name.

12:27 “I love you”  10/28/2009  12:39  Great.  I just found another old phone.  “Mi amor” 08/31/10  “Were gonna get married.” 08/30/10  Silly Texas boy.  You are going to be a daddy.  I did love this kid though.   We just worked so well.   See kids, that is why you wear a condom.

12:49 The other day I was talking to Mr. Texas.  I told him how I want to visit.  He wants me to stay at his beach house with him.  He put a winky face.  What a great fiance.

1:16 I know that everything happens for a reason.  I do.  I get it.  But seriously, give me a fucking break.

1:21 “And its alright, yeah I’ll be fine, don’t worry about this heart of mine.”

1:37 Sometimes I wish I was a bird.  Not because I want to fly.  That’s what planes are for.  I just want to shit on you.

1:43 I realized that me having a cat  Is not the smartest idea in the world.  I have bad anxiety.  Every single day that cat makes me  Think that my house is getting broken into.

2:06 Sleep sounds so good right now.  Scary.  But good.

3:42 Done.  I’m done sleeping.  I’m done dreaming.  I’m done.

Night

11:10 I’m not going to wish for you.

11:47 Right now my mind is blank.  Dead.  Empty.  Barren.  Full of nothing.  Oxymoron.  Jumbo shrimp.

3-3-11

12:11 I just did the math.  I have had  20 first kisses.  20.  Great. I forgot someone.  Wait.  22 people.  You have got to be kidding me.  23 people.  24.  I talk to 5 of these people.

12:22 I remember my first kiss.  I hate my last.

12:27 25 people.  But honestly, a few of those shouldn’t count.  12:29  Like the person I just remembered.  26.

12:46 Some memories are really good.  Some memories I never want to forget.  Decorating the Christmas tree with you and your mom.  Putting your nieces toy car together with you.  Kissing you under the fireworks.

12:51 I’m always writing about a  “him” or  “you”.   All of these people have one thing in common.  The past.  My past.  These boys of  the past,   my past,  have all made me who I am today.  Thanks.  The past,   I thank you.

Night

7:49 “I have grown too strong to ever fall back into your arms.”

7:50 Apparently I don’t know anything.  When the subject of   us  came up, I had to remind you  that you are  engaged  and have a   baby  on the way.  “You don’t know anything.”  Fuck that.  I know everything I need to know.  I know that when I move,   it’s not going to be for you.

7:53 I know that in Tampa,  there is an ice cream shop.  An ice cream shot that lets  customers write on the walls.  I know that there is a heart there.  I know what the heart says.  Elana and Dustin.   I know I never should have made  that heart.


Diary of an insomniac. Part one.

2-28-11

2:02 Just made tea. Green tea.  My addiction, like the air I breath.  Floor.  The bed is too soft.  Too cold.  Too busy missing you.  Music.  Drowning out the heart breaking silence.

2:03 Thinking.  That day at the lake.  Me. Special old someone.  Isolated trail.  Holding hands. Making plans.  Laughing.  Crystal clear water.  Cloudless sky.  Face to face.   Lips to lips.  Fingers through hair.  Leaves falling. Birds flying.  Hearts beating.  Love growing.

2:07 “Hot and dangerous, if you’re one of us then roll with us.”  Summer. Party.  Low cut black shirt.  New faces. New places.  Hippie circle.  Beer pong table.  Random rocker guy.  Eye meets eye.  Sangria.  4loko. Talking. Slurring words.  Cops. Hitting trash cans.  “Elana Raquel Clements.”

2:10 “I don’t want to if you don’t want to.”  Awkward car ride.  Friendly hello.  Mother. Father. Bed.  Guitar.  Fingers laced.  Face traced.  Running late.  Movie. Darkness.  Hearts pounding.  Hands wandering.  Girls looking.  Jealousy.  Dinner.  Home. Kiss at doorway.  Flying.

2:14 “You’re amazing just the way you are.”  Wake up. Next to you.  Cuddle.  Kiss on cheek.  Falling asleep to your heartbeat.  Beat for me.  Awoken, rudely.  Clothes. Teeth. Hair.  Gone.  Meeting. Family. Friends.  Small talk.  Bonding. Cooking. Presents.  Helping. Cleaning.  Falling.  Sand castles.  Goodbyes.  Chilis.  Friends. Sleep.  You.  Repeat.  Cheat.  Never again.

2:18 “I’m weird cause I hate goodbyes.”  Me. Him.  5 years.  First kiss.  Sweaty palms.  First love.  Under the stars.  Laying in the road.  Never wanting to leave.

2:20 “Discover me, discovering you.”  Summer. Dream.  Muscles. Hair. Tan skin.  “Perfect.”  “Love.”  “Forever.”  Revenge.  Over and over and over.  Her. Over.

2:22 Railroad. Swings. Ditch.  Conversations.  Trying to protect you.  Harsh words.  Tears.  Apologies. So sorry.  Forgiveness.  Friendship.

2:24 “I gotta have you.”  Outside beds.  Perfection. Love.  Best friends.  Betrayal. Sorry.  I miss you so much.

2:26 Bed. Movie. Laughing.  Kissing.   Play fights. Dogs. Treats.  Kitchen counter.  Amazing because it is.

2:27 Reality check.  Green tea.

2:29 Future. Unknown. Texas.  Destiny.  Photography. Art. Travel. Flowers. Music.  Happiness.  Scared.  Ready.  Waiting.

2:31 Crawl into bed.  Hopefully sleep can find me.

3:14 Dreams.  Nightmares.  You. Me.  Us.  Angry faces. Cruel words.  “Whore.”  “Worthless.”  “Over.”  Awake.  Over.  Sleep is bad.  Sleep makes memories real.

4:00 The sheep are screaming your name.  I’m screaming your name.  Can you hear me?  Can you hear them?  They want me to be with you again.  They say this is just a bump in the road.  They say we can do this.  They say our love is true.  They say what I want you to say.  The sheep are talking.  I think I’m going crazy.

4:08 You are sleeping without a doubt.  Dreaming.  Not of me.  But of her.  Whoever she is.   There has to be a girl.  Luck, lucky girl.  You like her.  I hate her.  I want you.  She has you.  I love you.  You love her.

4:10 I’m over you.  I can finally move on.

4:16 I lied.  I need you. I’m sorry.  I do need you.   Forever, just like we said.

5:03 I need to remember that sleep is bad.

Night.

11:15 You are always and will always be my  wish at 11:11  I think about you.  Every second.  Every day.  But I can’t  I wont.  I must.  I need you.  I love you.

11:27 It’s sad knowing that the person you want does not want you back.

3-1-11

1:18 I just had a dream about you.  The weird one.  The one that I told you about.  You and I.  Holding hands.  “Babe, you look like a girl scout, are you  a girl scout?”  “No, I am not a girl scout.”  “Are you sure? You really look like one.”  “Brandon, I am not a girl scout, now shut up and eat your food.”

1:21 Brandon.  Brandon Cooke.  Brandon Michael Cooke.  The one who’s heart I regret hurting.  The one I miss.  The one I love.  The one I need.  The one I want.  The one.

1:23 The one I need to get over.

1:37 “I really fucked it up this time, didn’t I my dear?”

1:46 I flashback to a different you.  A different him.  A different me.  A different time.  A different place.  A different face.  A different me.

1:47 Sitting on the ledge.  Living on the edge.  Looking at the water.  Looking at the stars.  Looking at your face.  That beautiful face.  Holding hands.  Intense kisses.  Intense feelings.  You telling jokes like they were going out of style.  Hungrily kissing your lips like I haven’t in a while.  Fast car.  Freedom.  A night worth remembering.

1:56 I remember a night I don’t remember.  We are over.  Shot.  I miss him.  Shot.  I love him.  Shot.  What is wrong with me?  Shot.  Am I not good enough?  Shot.  I…  Shot.  We…  Shot.  I need him.  Shot.  Shot.  Shot.  Blackout.

2:01 I don’t think I’ve ever cried more that I did the day you found out.  You are going to be a father.   A dad.  The father of her child.  We had all of our plans.  You had my heart.  She had a part of you.  Growing.  In her uterus.  A baby girl.  A 19 year old father.  A 19 year old engaged father.  With green eyes.  And a love for the beach.  A beautiful dog.  Lucky.  A fiance.  Lucky.