Category Archives: The music behind the girl

“Something always brings me back to you”

                                           “It never takes too long.”

The first time I heard this song, I cried my eyes out. The first time I  heard this, I was at a winterguard competition and this is exactly how I felt.

It was my freshman year and it was around the time me and my first kiss Matt, were talking again.

I feel like the bad guys of my past always seem to show up at the wrong times. When I’m happy or when I am venerable or when I am dating someone. They always show up. It is like they have an “Things are going right in Elanas’ life right now, lets fuck it up” radar something.

“You touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.”

I don’t want to always be this girl. The one that leaves everything good in her life to go to the past once again. Knowing that I am going to hurt but surpassing my better judgement and going for it anyway.

And this song;

I also heard this at a guard show and yes, I also cried my eyes out when I heard it and to this day I still cry.

I always feel as if I can fix the relationship, that there is something I can do to make the guy want me again or that I can be a better person for them.

“And I whisper ‘why cant you love me? I’ll change for you'”.

I need to learn that if a guy doesn’t love me for me, then he does not deserve me.

At all.

And if he doesn’t want me now, for who I am and for whom I shall always be, then nothing is going to change.

Time does make things change, but not important things.

Not things like love.


“Were like fire and gasoline…”

I’m no good for you, you’re no good for  me.

This song is the story of my life.

I always seem to find a way to do this. I know that a guy is not good for me but for some reason I always end up in their bed.

I really hope that my past is never going to be my future again.

The past where I was a cold hearted bitch and played guys before they could play me.

I want something good.

And lately I find myself crying whenever I think about the past and how horribly I was treated.

To this day I still feel like guys really don’t give a damn about me. That no matter what I do, I am never good enough for them.

Well you know what?

Screw thinking.


Taylor Swift knows the story of my life;

I feel as every Taylor Swift song can go with my life somehow.

Yes, I know.

Typical teenage girl. Oh well.

This song reminds me of Ryan and how I felt after we broke up.

I really didn’t know how to be something he missed when he wasn’t mine anymore.

“So I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep. And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breath.”

Yup. That line right there is how it was.

“So I’ll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes.”

I would sleep in his jacket every night, just soaking in the smell of him that I had grown to know and love.

And this song;

This makes me think of Dustin. I think that is pretty self explanatory.

For some reason this reminds me of a few guys.

James manney.



And baasssiiicaly every other guy who has done something with another girl while talking to me or being with me.

So obviously, that is way too much for me to mention.

And this song;

Well this song, always reminds me of Eric.

He was my first love and I was completely smitten.

I was 15 and he was 17.

“Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with? The girl in the dress cried the whole way home. I should have known.”

And honestly, I can’t listen to this next song anymore.

This reminds me of Brandon. Every single word.

He wont talk to me at all.

“Your guard is up and I know why.”

There is a lot more examples I can give you but, I’d rather not.


I feel as if this song makes this post complete.

That my words are not needed.

That you can just listen to the song, really listen to the song, and just feel so much better with things.


Life goes on.

It really does.

I have a heart, a nice beautiful unbroken heart.

My life is good.

My life went on and will still continue to go on.

If you can’t handle me at my worst then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

From all my experience in the dating world I have learned one thing. Most guys don’t deserve me. And I honestly do not mean that in a cocky way at all. Most of the guys I meet try to change me in some way, shape or form.

A few years ago, I found this song. And it changed the way I think.

“And I accept your mood swings, each you is more perfect.”

That line right there made realize that thats the kinda guy that I need.

Someone who understands that yeah, I can be a bitch one second and then be the happiest person in the world the next.

I’m not perfect. I am far from perfect.

I will be the first one to point out all my flaws to you.

I’m loud.

I’m hardheaded.

I’m a party girl.

And I don’t want to find someone that makes me quiet, or  breaks me down or simply makes me change the way I am.

“And I accept that your’e a wreck, I see beauty in it.”

And that right there, that is true love.

Someone who knows my flaws and knows that I am who I am and I’m not going to change anytime soon, and still loves me and accepts me as me and thinks I’m perfect despite knowing me inside and out. That is beautiful.

“This love, it works for us.”

Iv’e tried to change for guys in the past. I tried to not be me. And obviously that did not work out in the end because I am alone.

And I really feel like I shouldn’t have to change for anyone.

Yeah, when the time comes I will chill out a bit with the parties and being adventurous and what not but right now, I am young and have so much life ahead of me so I don’t see the point of changing my ways for someone who is not going to be a part of my future.

And you might be saying to yourself “You don’t know if they are going to be in your future or not Elana.”

Yes. Yes I do. These little dumb fucks are not going to be a part of my future. Ever.

Do you want to know how many guys said that they wanted to marry me?


How many of those people are still in my life?


So I have a really good feeling that these guys in the near future will be any different.

But anyway, I feel as if I got a little bit off topic.

All in all, relationships should be about accepting your significant others for who they are, flaws and all. Perfection is overrated and frankly it does not exist. But true love does exist so be open minded to new things and new people.

Oh and, I believe in a thing called love (:

I wish you well;

First of all, before you even start to read anything, you need to listen to this amazing song.

Yellow Ostrich is amazing and this song makes my soul so happy.

And yeah, I heard this song preformed live.

Alex has one of the most amazing voices in the world.

“You always seemed a little to happy, Mary.”

Love it.

Well anyway, I have been thinking about this topic for a while now.

And no, not drugs. Fuck drugs.

And yeah, that song has nothing to do with what I have been thinking about I just really wanted you to hear it.

Anyway, as some of you may know, I like to think and I tend to do it all the time. And when I say think I don’t mean oh I wonder what I’m going to wear or what I’m going to do tomorrow. I think about crazy shit.

Like what if all of our wishes that we have wished since we were old enough to make wishes, all came true?

Every little girl would have a pony and we would all be married by like age 12.

A lot of people would be dead.

A lot of people would be famous.

A lot of people would be rich.

A lot of people would be beautiful, or atleast what they think society sees as beauty.

I for one am glad that wishes do not always come true.

I would still be with the same guy I was with when I was 15, or maybe even the one I was with when I was 13.

Maybe my kindergarten crush, who is a huge douche bag now, would be my husband.

I would be a princess and I would have a lot of friends.

But you know what, I love my life the way it is.

I have been through struggles that have made me, me.


Elana Raquel Engelhardt.

Life is not meant to be perfect.

My life is imperfectly perfect.

I wish it stays like that forever.

I don’t ask for no diamond ring or delicate string of pearls;

It has been three long months since I have had a guy to call my own. Sure, I have had some guys like me but I’m not sure. See, the guys that like me are friends and if I have learned anything from dating Brandon is that if you have a really good friendship with someone you should not ruin it for a relationship. That was one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life. He was my best friend and by making him my boyfriend I no l0nger have him in my life.

But anyway…

I realized something.

The type of guys I like are the kinds that I don’t date.

I have a thing for guys with tattoos and who play guitar or are in a band. I love it when they wear beanies and glasses. Beards. Guys who are intelligent and who can party with me.

But, my ex Brandon, well he played lacrosse and football and he was kind of a nerd. He wore beanies and had glasses but besides that, he wasn’t my type at all.

And Ryan, well he was the farthest thing from my type. I still to this day do not understand how or why we ever dated.

All in all though, I know that deep down that my perfect guy does not have to be “hot” or covered in tattoos. My perfect guy just has to be able to make me laugh till I snort, smile when I don’t want to, and understand that I’m not going to change.

My perfect guy would be with me right now while I type this in bed just chilling in old sweats and a hoodie with no make up just listening to city and colour with me.

(That song is amazing)

My perfect guy would love my curls and hate the fact that I straighten them.

My perfect guy would introduce me to new music that I would love.

My perfect guy would watch house hunters with me and man vs. food.

My perfect guy would always be down for an adventure.

My perfect guy would not be perfect in anyway.

My perfect guy does exist.